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Friday, September 24, 2010

The Enabler




What is an Enabler?


As defined by Wikipedia, enabling is also used in the context of problematic behavior, to signify dysfunctional approaches that are intended to help but in fact may perpetuate a problem.  A common theme of enabling in this latter sense is that third parties take responsibility, blame, or make accommodations for a person's harmful conduct (often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action). The practical effect is that the person themselves does not have to do so, and is shielded from awareness of the harm it may do, and the need or pressure.

Ok so that is the technical description, for the rest of us, an Enabler is someone that helps the addict succeed in being addicted. Sound too simple? It isn't. An enabler is another part of the addiction in the family. Enablers tend to be addicted to the addict. They are ruled by fear. The problem is their perception of protection and help is warped. They are often holding the loaded gun to the addicts head, along with the addict. The addict uses this gun (addiction) to manipulate the enabler, the enabler uses the gun/addiction as a means to keep them safe believing they are controlling the addiction and the addict. The enabler is just as deadly as the addict.

Yes, it is a hard pill to swallow, but if you are giving an addict money, or offering them any assistance with money, paying their rent, giving them rides, you are helping them rush to the gallows. No one wants to be the enabler, but somehow our love for our addicted loved one blinds us as much as it does the addict. We are in a trap, right along with the addict except their condition has now become our drug.
Where do you separate the line between love and addiction? Love and help, love and letting go?

To the addict, One day your family will get to the point where they have prepared mentally for your death, and if you make it long enough to realize this, you will know you are now truly alone with your addiction. The day the family support has lost hope, is the day you either own your disease and get help or you run toward the finish line that is at the end of your life. You know who your enabler is, and guess what, they are dying with you.  It's not that they have stopped loving you, they just got tired of watching you stop loving yourself. It's not that they don't want to help you, they are just tired of you not helping yourself. They don't want you to die, but they are tired of being a witness to your death. There does come this day, where you will run through their fingers like sand, and instead of cupping their hands to stop you from falling, they will just let you go.


Is your story your crutch?
Some may hold on to the hope to the bitter end. Hold fast to them and pray that they bring your bottom to you, since you seem to never hit it. Pray they find help, because when they are gone, you are gone. Family may let go, friends will let go, you have let go. One thing you can let go of safely is the past that you may be holding on to. There is rarely an addict, without a story. There is rarely anyone without a story that could justify everything an addict has felt, however, there are other ways the story changes who they are. Your story has lead you to addiction.

You are not dying alone..
We can understand what brings some people  to addiction, however, at some point, you have to sit that baggage down and move beyond where it has taken you, because now, it is holding you back. It can be done. People get well every day. The problem is, most don't live long enough to find this out. Who is your enabler? Look closely, deeply and honestly, they are probably the one in the room, that have no joy left in their eyes. They are the ones that are forever exhausted, endlessly in debt, trapped by their love for you, and the fear of your death, and all the while, your enabler, is dying with you. Its a slow painful death.






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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Understanding and helping an addict

A woman smoking crack from a glass pipe.Image via Wikipedia

Addiction is a disease that spreads through lives like a virus. It is a painful existence for all those involved and often the end result is death. Families often try many means to save their addict but most of these actions yield little results.  Many addicts end up using the failed tactics as an excuse to use further. There are many ways families deal with their addicted love one.

Shunning, is one way a family may try to teach an addict a "lesson". They feel if they avoid the addict, refuse all contact, and have nothing to do with the addict,  that the addict will learn their lesson and give up the addiction. Unfortunately, this tactic never works. The addict has a replacement for their sentimental attachments to their family, and it is the drug. No longer will withholding communication and love work, the addict has a new love, and it isn't the family anymore.

Reasoning, is also a useless  tool with the addict. Addicts can not be reasoned with because they have a chemically altered mind and as such, they are incapable of understanding legitimate reasoning. If reasoning alone would be effective, there would be no need for treatment. Treatment has to usually come first in order to really have effective reasoning with an addict. Many times the addict will go on the defensive and then use your attempts as an excuse to use more.

What can you do for an addicted family member? There really is only two things you can do for an addicted family member.

What will work
1. The first thing to do is get  them into treatment. See Treatment Centers.  This must be done early in the addiction process.  Failure to put them into a treatment center each and every time they ask for help that is not related to their recovery will set up a revolving door effect with them. They ask, you give, they get high, they become broke, they come back to you. The addict has to know this is the only help you will offer. No money, no rides, no roof over their head.
2. The second form of help for your addicted family member is to have them arrested if they operate a vehicle, care for an underage child, deal, sell or distribute.  This may seem extreme, but because death due to overdose or from a drug related incident is eminent, extreme forces are all that will work.
Love isn't effective
If your love alone could help them, it would be a beautiful thing. Sadly love means little to an addict. To save the addict you must resort to any and all extreme measures to save their life. If you feel you have done all you can, and the addict still hasn't made attempts to get well, you must prepare yourself mentally for their death.

Your health
One thing family members should understand completely is, you have to be well, and happy whether your addicted loved one is or not. It is key that the family surrounding the addict also be well and this is sometimes even harder than getting the addict into treatment. Support should be sought out to help you cope with your life and to master the proper skills and experience to truly help your loved one, and yourself from a lifetime of guilt and pain.  Families must recognize their own need for help, and recovery as well.  See  Online Support Groups. Another great source for family support is Narconon.

The bottom line
 Lastly, your addict has to deep inside want to get well. If they don't feel that deep need and desire they will fail at the recovery. All you can do is put a stop to all support that you have offered that involves anything but the addicts sobriety. 


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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

*******Five things you should know about an addict

If you suspect you have an addict in your family there are things you must be aware of. There are hints that are extremely subtle that may go unnoticed for some time before the problem rears it's ugly head. Addiction has the ability to completely transform a person into a stranger you will not recognize. In the beginning of the illness, the effects of the addiction may be subtle, as time goes by, extreme.

1. Addicts do not know the truth-
an addict will never admit to using. Addicts not only go into deep denial themselves about their problem, but many times they except you to be blinded to it as well. Many will lie even when caught red handed. Do not believe anything an addict tells you.

2. Addicts need money-
If you suddenly find your addicted loved one hanging around be very wary. They need money to feed their addiction. Whether it is through selling your possessions or stealing your money, they will do whatever they need to do to feed their addiction.

3. An addict will manipulate-
Do not fall for some of the common manipulations your addict will use against you. Many will try to force you to give them money, rides etc. by using guilt, fear, and emotional abuse. They may have you believe their life is in peril, that it is your fault..do not fall for it, but stand strong. The only ride you should give them is into treatment, or to a police station.  Find out what your options are and never fall into the traps an addict will use on you.

4. An addict has a new love-
The addicted loved one will not get better without strong force. Shunning, rejection and the family refusing all forms of communication will usually not heal the addict.  When a family member becomes addicted, the drug replaces love of oneself, and love for others, so using forms of guilt that is dependant on an addicts love for you will not usually work. If you are willing to accept the consequences and no longer can do any more for an addict, this may be your only choice. For those still hoping to help the addict become well again, you have to realize what is effective and what isnt. Intervention, and in-patient treatment facilities are all that will work. Waste no time taking them. Use whatever means possible and then be willing to accept what that means completely.

5. Addicts don't fall far from the tree- 
 Take a look at your family. Many addicts come from a long line of other addicts. Though the addictions may be different, the capacity to become addicted is usually hereditary and can come out in any form, whether it is alcoholism, drugs, gambling, etc. Research and educate yourself, and find support. Time is of the essence, and in fact, time  is running out.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Arm yourself for the battle

Fight ClubImage by Polina Sergeeva via FlickrHow to arm yourself for the battle:
I can not stress how important it is for addicts, and the family members of addicts to become educated on the subject of not only addiction but the type of addiction that you or your family member or friend may be using. Please understand, tough love is not just about shutting this person out of your life, and if you think this will cure them, it wont. Understand, the addict has a new love, a new family, and nothing you can do outside of intervention and treatment will help them.  The only way a true addict feels punished is when they have no access to their new love, the substance they crave. Some people think that if they just shut the addict out of their lives or shun them from the family to teach the addict a lesson. This should be a bottom line in an intervention, not the only thing the family does or the first thing a family should do. Everything you do short of intervention, and treatment is useless to the addict. The only thing an addict gets out of  an old fashioned shunning  is a new excuse to use, and abuse.That doesn't mean you have to have them around  night and day, that simply means take action. The only action that can give them a chance. Get them into treatment ANY WAY YOU CAN. Use all means and methods, trick them, lie, do what you have to do to get them where they need to be to get well. PERIOD.
Recognize what hasn't worked. My father stopped associating with his alcoholic father years prior to his passing. It did NOTHING to stop the man from drinking.
Use ultimatums as your bottom line. This you deliver at an intervention, preferably a professionally orchestrated intervention. It shouldn't be your first line of defense with any addict, because it just simply wont work. Friends of friends or distant family members will tell you to cut the addict off, as if the world were fashioned from only black and white scenarios. We all know this isn't realistic.  So how to do we go after this killer? This destroyer of lives and families?
Your first weapon is to read everything you can get your hands on. Educate yourself, knowing the enemy is half the battle. Symptoms, cause and effects..everything. Leave no resource unsought.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Not bad people, just people that made bad decisions

Please try to remember the good that hides in the addict. They are still there. Deep beneath the addiction. Love them enough to do whatever you have to do to get them well. This does not mean take them "safely" to a dealer, or giving them "money" for their next fix so they won't break the law or do something horrible for the money instead. It means calling everyone you can think of for help, even the police. It means changing the locks on your door, it means reporting them if they are operating under the influence. It means calling their employer and letting them know. It means taking them straight to rehab, getting court orders and anything else you can think of to bring their bottom to them. You can not afford for the bottom to come on its own, because all too often the bottom is death.

Famous Addicts, In case you think you are alone....

This is just a small and PARTIAL list of famous addicts..
And check this out..: 

Drug Related Deaths



  • Betty Ford
  • Kirsty Alley
  • J. Paul Getty, Jr.
  • Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.
  • Robin Williams
  • Robert Downey, Jr.
  • Ray Kroc
  • Eminem
  • Patrick Kennedy
  • Ben Affleck
  • James Frey
  • Nick Nolte
  • Jan Michael Vincent
  • Nick Carter
  • Boy George
  • Michael Jackson
  • Keith Richards
  • Robert Mitchum
  • Judy Collins
  • Rush Limbaugh
  • Johnny Cash
  • Joaquin Phoenix
  • Pat O'Brien
  • Elton John
  • George Jones
  • Kurt Cobain
  • Courtney Love
  • Leif Garrett
  • John Belushi
  • Eileen Brennan
  • Daniel Baldwin
  • Corey Feldman
  • Corey Haim
  • Marion Barry
  • Whitney Houston
  • Bobby Brown
  • A. Whitney Brown
  • Glen Campbell
  • Dwight Gooden
  • Darryl Strawberry
  • Jerry Garcia
  • Samuel L. Jackson
  • Leonard Nimoy
  • Kelly Osbourne
  • James Brown
  • Lenny Bruce
  • Chevy Chase
  • Robert Blake
  • Eddie Van Halen
  • David Crosby
  • Judy Carne
  • Billy Holiday
  • Grace Slick
  • Iggy Pop
  • Richard Carpenter
  • Dr. John
  • Randy Moss
  • Andy Dick
  • Heidi Fleiss
  • Pat Day
  • Tara Conner
  • Al Unser, Jr.
  • Jim Ramstad
  • Roy Simmons
  • Bela Lugosi
  • Mickey Rourke
  • Naomi Campbell
  • Patrick Swayze
  • Ted Kennedy
  • Haley Joel Osment
  • Anna Nicole Smith
  • Vitas Gerulaitis
  • Ozzy Osbourne
  • Stevie Ray Vaughan
  • John McVie
  • Hank Williams III
  • Paul Williams
  • Franz Wright
  • Christopher Kennedy Lawford
  • Annie Leibowitz
  • Mackenzie Phillips
  • Jo Dee Messina
  • Danny Bonaduce
  • Dennis Quaid
  • Jenna Bush
  • Noelle Bush
  • Dick Cheney
  • Mel Gibson
  • Michael Douglas
  • Matthew Perry
  • Charlie Sheen
  • Paula Poundstone
  • Kate Moss
  • Ray Charles
  • Johnny Depp
  • Mary Tyler Moore
  • Richard Dreyfuss
  • Philip Seymour Hoffman
  • John Daly
  • Keith Moon
  • Ted Turner
  • George C. Scott
  • Tony Curtis
  • David Gahan
  • Wynonna Judd
  • Britney Spears
  • Wilson Pickett
  • Carrie Fisher
  • Nell Carter
  • Billy Bob Thornton
  • Chris Webber
  • Onterrio Smith
  • Tom Sizemore
  • Drew Barrymore
  • Dick Van Dyke
  • Larry Hagman
  • James Galdolfini
  • Pete Doherty
  • Kiefer Sutherland
  • Elizabeth Taylor
  • Colin Farrell
  • Etta James
  • Rick James
  • Buzz Aldrin
  • Chris Penn
  • Jason Priestley
  • Prince Harry
  • Tom Arnold
  • Brett Butler
  • Dionne Warwick
  • Ken Caminiti
  • Jennifer Capriati
  • Tonya Harding
  • Truman Capote
  • Liza Minnelli
  • Martin Lawrence
  • Melanie Griffith
  • Tatum O'Neal
  • Lindsay Lohan
  • Shelley Winters
  • Eddie Money
  • Jessica Hahn
  • Christian Slater
  • Alice Cooper
  • Winona Ryder
  • Demi Moore
  • Nicole Richie
  • David Bowie
  • O.J. Simpson
  • Jim Brown
  • Joe Louis
  • Mike Tyson
  • Joe Namath
  • Lawrence Taylor
  • Steve Howe
  • Gerry Cooney
  • Dennis Rodman
  • Dock Ellis
  • David Soul
  • Stacy Ann Ferguson "Fergie"
  • Oliver Stone
  • Jessica Sierra
  • Chyna
  • Representative Mark Foley
  • Richard Pryor
  • George Carlin
  • Richard Lewis
  • Rodney King
  • Jean-Claude Van Damme
  • Bo Bice (American Idol)
  • Dr. Bob




    Tuesday, September 7, 2010

    Helping an addicted loved one




    Corey Haim, child star of the Lost Boys etc, was found dead in his apartment from an apparent drug overdose at the age of 38. How do we fight this battle in our own families to avoid this tragic end? Sadly, drug use enters into a family much like a thief in the night. By the time you realize it, it is usually well in force. Read more here: Helping an addicted loved one

    Friday, September 3, 2010

    Not giving up the fight

    I know you may feel beat down, and hopeless but giving up will not alleviate these feelings, in fact it will do just the opposite, while adding a big dose or "hit" if you will, of guilt. Do you honestly want to wake up one day saying "If only  I had not given up"? Find empowerment in everyday. Even if your words fall on deaf ears, and are said through tears, and your actions are not always seen. 


     The world is a cold hearted place when you choose to walk through it alone. Addicts, you are worth the love it takes to get better. You are worth the rewards that life has yet to bestow on you. You may have heard that you need to love yourself, and thought it a cliche. How else can the world know how beautiful you are until you display it through loving yourself?


    Every day, wake up with the thought of recovery in your mind. Take one small step, no matter how tiny it is, and move a little closer to where you want to be. Death is over rated. You are in a world altered, and as such you are destined to be in denial. Trust those who love you, and what they say. Look for their pain, instead of always hiding behind yours. They are not using chemicals to get over it, or through it, or even to numb it. They are taking it on the chin, every day.

    How to Identify The Alcoholic In Your Family - Info Barrel

    How to Identify The Alcoholic In Your Family - Info Barrel
    Alcoholism
    is an addiction just like any other drug..
    When I was growing up, my only concept of an alcoholic was a homeless wino on the street sipping out of a paper bag. Little did I know at the time, how wrong I was. This is my experience with an alcoholic loved one. 

    Wednesday, September 1, 2010

    When you love an addict


    Addiction is a widespread plague across the globe. The odds of you or someone you love coming into contact with an addict are about 1 in 3. Sadly, this means that almost every American family has at least one person that is affected by addiction.

    Emotional struggles
    An addict in the family is like having a poison spread among you. Slowly but surely each member is impacted, changed, and hurt. Some may say they have shut the door on the situation, or washed their hands of it, but deep inside damage has already been done, whether they realize it or not. You are never really free of the impact it has had on you.

    Keeping it in the closet, keeps addiction alive 
    Finding support is a difficult process as so many family members with friends or loved ones that are addicted are ashamed and embarrassed to bring their problem up. Many loved ones in fact keep the family problem a secret from the outside world and this is a launch pad for manipulation from the addict. When an addict knows you'll protect them, they will take advantage of the situation and make the most of it. Guilt, pressure, threats are all weapons in the arsenal of an addict. what has to be understood is you are no longer dealing with your loved one as you once knew them. You are dealing with someone that has a chemically altered brain. They require different handling.

    You aren't alone in this
    Remember, almost every person you know, whether it is your preacher, doctor, friend, co-worker has someone in their life with your problem. They may even have it themselves. Once the shame can be put aside, and this terrible problem brought out, you will more than likely find tons of support. When it comes to addiction, shame is guilt's ugly cousin. Shame is a waste of time, and a way for the disease to conquer all of it's victims one by one. Keeping your burden to yourself is a way of protecting an addict, and yourself. However, in the long run it is silently enabling a situation to flourish.

    Share with anyone who will listen
    Sometimes the quickest way to find help and hope is by opening up to those people around you that you have been keeping addiction a secret from. Help and information comes in many forms and once you cross that bridge you will find healing. You will be amazed at the outpouring of love and support you will get. Not just from your immediate family, but online, from complete strangers. There is a whole world of people suffering right along with you, and many have even gone through worse. Share your experience, reach out to others, and also remember to help another in your search for support. Just because you are going through this terrible time, doesn't mean you can't offer help to someone else. They may be at a different place than you are, so whatever you've learned can be of a great help to them. Giving of yourself is a part of healing.

    Online Support Groups
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    So how do you get through to an addict?

    Johnny Weeks, an unfortunate drug addict playe...I
    A fight you can't win?
    Sadly, trying to win an argument with an addict is near impossible and ultimately when you try to reason with an addict an argument is what ensues. Keep in mind, you are in fact attempting to have a rational conversation with someone who's mind has been chemically altered.  You may find yourself in those slim moments of an addicts sobriety, when they are between hits, or drinks trying to make headway with them but their mind is still going to be in denial.

    Can I get through to an addict?
    You may not be able to get through to an addict. Why? Because Addicts have to hit their own bottom. Something you can do is get through to yourself. If you find yourself running into a brick wall with trying to "help" an addict it may be time to change up the strategy. That usually means looking at what you can change to make your struggle with them easier.  It may mean cutting yourself off from them. It may mean stopping all means of support. It may mean going to the most extreme to get them into treatment. The addict is on life support from whoever they can get something from and cutting this resource off from them may result in them finding their "bottom" a lot sooner.

    What is something bad happens to your addicted loved one once you cut them off?
    You may have fears of what will happen to an addict if you cut yourself off. What if they start stealing, resorting to prostitution, hanging out with dangerous people? You may have to accept that your addicted loved one is already doing these things, and that nothing they do, is any MORE dangerous than the drug they are addicted to. Sleeping under bridges, consorting with dealers, prostitution, are all no more dangerous than the drug is.

    Support for yourself: It has to happen first
    The addict may need support and treatment, but while they are still in their addiction it is imperative that you seek out information and support for yourself. Especially when you are preparing to cut yourself off from their manipulation, guilt trips and threats. Support groups in your area are a great way of you to find the strength that you need to make it through this nightmare. Do not limit your resources and support by keeping an addicts secret. This is a form of manipulation that you may be aware of when you hide their addiction. This cuts you off from the support you need when you feel you can't share your pain and struggle. Seek out help from anywhere you can.

    Your journey with the addicted loved one
    One thing to help a friend or family member stay sane in an unfair world of loving an addict is to keep a journal. Not only is writing your feelings down therapeutic to you, but when your addict becomes a clean and sober entity, (never give up hope)...present them with this journal, so that they can read it with a clear mind, and fully appreciate your struggle and your pain. Not to make them feel guilt, in fact, put many positive feelings in the journal, memories of better times, things you loved about them before the addiction, things you want and wish for them in the future. Once an addict gets treatment, cleans up and takes a look at your journal, your life with them as chronicled in the journal...you may be surprised to find a closer bond to them. They will see just how beautiful your love is for them. This will give them the courage, to keep sober, clean and a positive force of happiness to you.
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